Friday, August 15th, 2008: Dirty Thirty

Alright, so Alicia, Sue and I jet up to the T-Dot with the hopes of stopping by Cinequip Whites to grab some bulbs that I blew, then hit up Cara’s place, park the ride, then somehow get to the Cadillac Lounge to start the festivities.

But I’m an idiot and because of me we bounce late. We’re pushing the time crunch because Logan would like to hit up the joint at 8:30 or so when his shin-dig starts. Our late start and the heavy traffic causes me to ring up Logan while we’re in Oakville and see if we have time to still get the bulbs. He doesn’t think so, so we go past our exit just when Logan rings back and says that we do have time after all. Too late now. That’s cool, we’re done with the lights for this flick, so it’s not a big deal to pick up the replacement bulbs later.

Cara meets us in the parking garage and we head up to her pad. Her and Logan are moving out together soon so we talk about that for a bit while we also gab about their upcoming trip to New York City.

I love that city. If there’s anyplace in the world I could live, it would definitely be there. I can’t describe it, but I think I’ve been in love with that place for as long as I could remember and I was so glad when I lived there that it lived up to expectations.

Yes, I’m jealous that I’m not going.

Sue writes down some points of interest for them to visit while they’re there, and Logan opens the gifts that Sue was kind enough to get him. They’re more or less old man gifts, which makes me feel good because my dirty thirty isn’t too far away either. Of course, I’d rather not think about that and would rather bask in someone else’s misery.

And then we’re off in a cab to the Cadillac Lounge. We get there and there’s not one, but two rainbows out for Logan’s birthday bash. Hope it’s a sign of things to come for you buddy.

How I would describe the Cadillac Lounge would probably be something like Jack Rabbit Slims from Pulp Ficton. There’s car shit on the walls, and is similar in feel and motif. Cara reserved a table, or many tables, for us at the back of the joint. We go in and start thinking of some grub to chow down on because I haven’t eaten today, and for me to get my serious drink on, I need something to help absorb the delicious barley and hops.

The most patient waitress ever drops in to take our orders and I immediately tell her that I’m an idiot and I can’t seem to get this menu to work that’s plastered on the table. I can’t read it because it’s on a weird angle. She comes back with an actual menu I can hold. It’s funny when you just out and out people that you’re stupid, they’re really nice and eager to help you out.

After a conversation about whether to eat a Buffalo burger or an Angus burger, I go with the Angus. Since Bill talked me out of the Angus at McDonalds earlier, I’m going to hit up that shit now. Another guy that’s here for Logan’s bash tries the Buffalo.

I’m about as good at remembering names as I am at reading Hebrew, so my apologies to anyone there that night that might read this. It’s nothing personal if I don’t remember your name, you just really didn’t leave a big enough impression on me and your name doesn’t deserve to be remembered.

No one told you before, but that’s the truth.

So just as my Angus burger arrives, so does Bill and Leanne. I tell Bill that he can go to hell because I have my Angus burger after all, and he wasn’t going to deny me of it forever. He argues that he never did deny me of it, but I know different. He’s crafty.

I now realize that I’ve had an Angus burger before. This kills my buzz a bit. Nothing more booze won’t fix.

Two of the guys that were there early with us, one of which is Buffalo Burger Boy, do a shot of Tequila with us. I’m having a hard time hearing the dude so I smile and laugh, knowing he’s into improv, so he’s probably being funny. I figure it’s a safe bet to laugh when he talks to me in that case.

For some reason I can’t figure out, there’s a big plasma TV that has a view of the front door. I spot Keith come in and yell to everyone that Keith is here. No one believes me, but we all look at the hallway and he emerges. I try to convince everyone that I’m psychic before I point to the live feed of the front door.

I finally get to meet Rosie, Keith’s wife from the Bronx. Throughout the night I will get her to say words that Canadians say differently, just so I can hear the accent of a Bronx native. I’m loving it.

Mr. Joe Vomvas also shows up thanks to my invite. Since Logan is a huge Saved by the Bell fan as well, I’m hoping that we can all get into an all-intensive Saved by the Bell marathon of intellect. Alas, my plans are foiled when Logan needs to entertain many of his guests that have come to wish him a happy birthday. Oh well, Alicia, Bill, myself and Keith all kick it with Joe for awhile before he has to jet to work later that night.

It seems like it’s Christmas for Bill, who can’t believe Joe’s there. We had a surprise for Joe that Bill was adamant no one tell him about. Well, isn’t it Mr. No Angus Burger himself that can’t scratch the itch for the secret? Bill convinces me to spill, so we fill Joe in on the deal. He seems pretty stoked. Joe leaves, and Bill still can’t believe Joe showed up, even though I tell him three times that I checked it with Logan, then sent him the invite.

The rest of the night is a smorgasbord of fun. I bug Rosie all night to say words and we get into a heated argument of whether or not Central Park W. meets up with 85th street in Manhatten. You bet your ass it does, I have a friend that lives there. Her argument is that she used to live there so she knows. Well, I have correct on my side, so I trump wherever you used to live.

She says my goal of the night is to get her all ghetto so she talks in her accent more. That’s not really the case, it’s just an added benefit of ribbing her. Man, she’s great people.

One of Logan’s other improv buddies comes by and says that she’s trying to get a dozen guys to kiss her tonight. I tell her I can’t as I’m taken and I send her to Sue when she asks who has me. Well, doesn’t Sue throw me to the wolves? I become number three or so on her list.

That’s when I remember how deathly afraid of herpes I am.

Alright, if you know me, you know my fear of herpes. That shit transfers way too easy and it’s not something you can get rid of. Yeah, I got plenty of shit already I can’t get rid of, I don’t need any kind of shit on my lips or any other place. I refuse to drink from anything from anyone else, or even share a drink. Herpes ain’t for me man. I won’t even share a drink with the Baby Reilly, and I’m pretty sure he’s herpes free.

So now this broad is known as Herp to me all night.

And for some reason she loves me.

I’m basically kicking it on the patio all night because I can smoke out there. The next time I see Herp, I yell “Herp!” at her, point, and then call her over. She’s all smiles as she walks over until she finds out what I called her over for. To inspect her mouth.

I do a thorough examination tilting her head back and moving it side to side, getting a close look at her lips. Sure, she might not like it, but I don’t like herpes either, so we’re both making a sacrifice right now.

Lucky for her she looks clean. I send her on her merry way to kiss more people. She ends up hitting up both Keith and Logan. I think she might’ve got Alicia as well.

Sue tells me that Herp came up to her at some point after my inspection and said that I was made of sugar and honey. I’m calling this broad Herp and inspecting her mouth in front of the entire bar. I can’t believe I get away with this shit.

Another fun point in the night is when another girl falls down hard on the wet patio while trying to play pool. All her friends come over and ask if she’s alright and walk her over to a bench to sit down. I walk over, get in between her friends and comment that the fall had to have hurt her pride. I walk away quite proud of myself.

Yes, I can feel the transformation into a complete asshole.

I refer to the waitress all night as “the girl who brings us shit.” I follow her around, even when she’s filling other orders to tell her I want another drink. I’m not tipping the greatest, or even well for that matter, and for some reason she smiles and laughs at my jokes. I wonder to her what the hell is with the shit-kicker music going on in here. She says it’s because of the band. I look up at the TV that had the view of the front door to see the cause of the shit-kicker music.

It’s the band. And they’re funny.

I go up front to look at the band. The singer is way too into it trying to be Elvis, but looking like a bad version of the singer from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I look around and everyone that’s unfortunate enough to be stuck up front is definitely not paying attention to the band. I go and grab Alicia and head back up front to get some laughs.

I come back to get another drink and I tell the “girl who brings us shit” that they have a very good looking band. I decide against going right up to the stage and cheering the band on as loud as I can. I’m sure they’ll figure out soon on their own that they’re ridiculous.

I bounce outside again and meet up with Logan, who’s either really drunk or really tired. We catch up a bit when I’m told “Grey Shirt” has been scoping out Alicia all night. Grey Shirt is also Grey face and macking with some ugly broad right now, but was with some other younger broad that looked a lot younger than he, and sedated.

I scope the situation and yeah, he’s peeping in. I stare at him and catch him doing it. A couple of times. Then I stand right beside her and stare at Grey Shirt. He looks over at me, and when he sees I’m not looking away, he lowers his head, takes his older sedated woman, and leaves the bar.

I actually stared someone down. I feel so good about myself. I don’t care if he is in his fifties, this is a victory for me.

At some point Bill and Leanne left. That would be why they’re not there when I’m calling them out.

Either the bar or Logan tells us we have to bounce. We catch a cab and Logan’s passing out inside. We get back to Cara’s and Logan struggles to take off his shoes and he’s in bed immediately. Poor guy.

Alicia and I climb into Sue’s ride leaving Cara to deal with Logan, and the aftermath tomorrow. As soon as we hit the road, Alicia is out. I manage a bit longer and I’m out too. Sue tells me later that she almost passed out a couple of times on the trip home. Sweet girl being the designated. A job I could never do. I have a lot of respect for her trucking my drunk ass around.

We drop Alicia off and skip home. I apologize to Sue for anything I might’ve said and check my behavior with her. When I drink out in public, I do some stupid shit, and I say some stupid shit. I’ve gotten into the habit of making some apologetic phone calls the next day for my behavior the night previous. Hell, I’m embarrassed of myself the next day, so I can’t imagine what it’s like being around me while I’m actually dropping this crap I do. She lets me know that I’m not going to have to make those calls.

I probably would’ve had to make those calls had people not reacted so good to my shit. For some reason I hit the drunk/ charming balance tonight.

Logan’s Dirty Thirty bash was tight. I had a great time, and I’m glad I got to spend Thursday with him, because I really didn’t get to spend too much time hanging with him tonight. I hope he had as good a time as I had. It’s also great seeing those people outside of a set. It just reminds me how great these people are.

Definitely a highlight of my already incredible summer.